Hey Beautiful Souls!
I'm just going to dive right in.
Triggers....
I have had one hell of a fucking week! Actually the pass two weeks have been like FUCK!
My suppression as been at an all time high. With the holidays and my birthday all nicely wrapped up in a box full of crippling anxiety waiting to happen.
When I tell you that shit hit. That shit hit real hard!
The 1st instance was when I finally had time to sit and think in my home. A wave. A tidal wave hit me. Every fiber of my being came rushing out. I couldn't breath I couldn't stand.
Who came to my rescue you ask? Roxie.
The rescue whom I adopted and I have only had her going on three weeks.
Roxie was on it. Giving love. Making me pet her and play. She is my rescue.
So, that was the 1st instance.
Now on to this week.
It all started with me issuing in the new year with the photography guild that I am in. Going in as the 2019 president. Making strides with out him by my side.
I was OK. I knew it was going to be tough one but I had my mother by my side and Christmas music blaring in my head all day to turn that energy around.
Me feeling good from being surrounded by so much love and fun from the Christmas party. I decided to to start finally decorating for Christmas.
I started to pull out the decorations and then I came across the trigger.......
the stocking.
The one we hung on one the best Christmases we have had. Our last Christmas.
This one thing started the onslaught of crippling anxiety and depression.
Broncos. His thing. His passion. My passion.
Now, this made my night spiral. Who was next to me? Roxie. Layla tries but she has just as much of anxiety as I do.
Went to bed and that was that. So I thought.
I do not like for people to see me at my lowest. I do not believe people are entitled to it and you should never let someone see you as such. Head high and carry on.
Normal day at work. However, I felt something hanging over me. Then it happened. I saw his face I heard is voice. I felt every bit of it. Me at work. I could not contain it any longer. I had a complete breakdown. Crippling breakdown. One I could not hold my head high. One where people saw. One where it had me out. When I say out I mean out. Fetal position cannot move, out. For two days. My energy was zapped. My world gone. My life still.
As I said I do not like for those to see me at my lowest. I try to be strong. There is only so much you can do. I had/have my therapy. It helps. But there is only so much that can be done.
This is what a panic attack looks like. This is what anxiety looks like. This is what depression looks like.
Roxie. When I say she picks up on it. She really does. I just got her, but she knows me. She knows me well.
Mind you all the things previously mentioned does not occur all the time. You should still look for the subtle signs.
This is my crippling anxiety. This is me.
I am working on every part of me. It's an everyday struggle. I try my damnedest to push through. This week and this month is the fucking hardest!
I will make it. I have too.
Roxie and I will be doing training to further strengthen our bond and to get her to therapy status.
I made the best decision bringing her into our home for both Layla and I.
I have a lot that I have gone through this year to say the least. 7 months rounds the corner next week. My love is everlasting. It's a struggle. Forever will be. I will learn to cope to where it isn't as hard as the day before.
Everyone needs support.
Everyone needs to reach out to someone. Those who need it and those who do not.
Life is a journey and you choose what path you want to take.
Make it worth it even if you don't think you can make it to the next day.
The universe tends to fuck us but we can turn it around.
You got it.
I got it.
We got it.
So, lets do it!
My loves. My babies.
Till next time!
-Jas